Category Archives: Female Victim

13 Steps to an Abusive Man’s Process of Change

1. Admit fully to his history of psychological, sexual, and physical abusiveness toward any current or past partners whom he abused. Denial and minimizing need to stop, including discrediting your memory of what happened. He can’t change if he is continuing to cover-up, to others or to himself, important parts of what he has done.

2. Acknowledge that the abuse was wrong, unconditionally. he needs to identify the justifications he has tended to use, including the various ways that he may have blamed you, and to talk in detail about why his behaviors were unacceptable without slipping back into defending them.

3. Acknowledge that his behavior was a choice, not a loss of control. For example, he needs to recognize that there is a moment during each incident at which he gives himself permission to become abuisive and that he chooses how far to let himself go.

4. Recognize the effects his abuse has had on you on your children, and show empathy for those. He needs to talk in detail about the short-and-long term impact that his abuse has had, including fear, loss of trust, anger, and loss of freedom and other rights. And he needs to do this without reverting to feeling sorry for himself or talking about how hard the experience has been for him.

5. Identify in detail his pattern of controlling behaviors and entitled attitudes. He needs to speak is detail about the day-to-day tactics of abuse he has used. Equally important, he must be able to identify his underlying beliefs and values that have driven those behaviors, such as considering himself entitled to constant attention, looking down on you as inferior, or believing that men aren’t responsible for their actions if “provoked” by a partner.

6. Develop respectful behaviors and attitudes to replace the abusive ones he is stopping. You can look for examples such as improving how well he listens to you during conflicts and at other times, carrying his weight of household responsibilities and child care, and supporting your independence. He has to demonstrate that he has to come to accept the fact that you have rights and that they are equal to his.

7. Reevaluate his distorted image of you, replacing it with a more positive and empathetic view. He has to recognize that he has had mental habits of focusing on and exaggerating his grievances against you and his perceptions of your weaknesses and to begin instead to compliment you and pay attention to strengths and abilities.

8. Make amends for the damage he has done. He has to develop a sense that he has a debt to you and to your children as a result of his abusiveness. He can start to make up somewhat for his actions by being consistently kind and supportive, putting his own needs on the back burner for a couple of years, talking with people whom he has mislead in regard to the abuse and admitting to them that he lied, paying for objects that he has damaged, and many other steps related to cleaning up the emotional and literal messes that his behaviors have caused. (At the same time, he needs to accept that he may never be able to fully compensate you.)

9. Accept the consequences of his actions. He should stop whining about, or blaming you for, problems that are the result of his abuse, such as your loss of desire to be sexual with him, the children’s tendency to prefer you, or the fact that he is on probation.

10. Commit to not repeating his abusive behaviors and honor that commitment. He should not place any conditions on his his improvement, such as saying that he won’t call you names as long as you don’t raise your voice to him. If he does backslide, he cannot justify his abusive behaviors by saying, “But I’ve done great for five months; you can’t expect me to be perfect,” as if a good period earned him chips to spend on occasional abuse.

11. Accept the need to give up his privileges and do so. This means saying good-bye to double standards. to flirting with other women, to taking off with his friends all week-end while you look after the children, and to being allowed to express anger while you are not.

12. Accept that overcoming abusiveness is likely to be a life long process. He at no time can claim that his work is done by saying to you, “I’ve changed but you haven’t,”  or complain that he is sick of hearing about the abuse and control and that “it’s time to get past all that.” He needs to come to terms with the fact that he will probably need to be working on his issues for good and that you may feel the effects of what he has done for many years.

13. Be willing to be accountable for his actions, both past and future. His attitude that he is above reproach has to be replaced by willingness to accept feedback and criticism, to be honest about any backsliding, and to be answerable for what he does and how it affects you and your children.

Author: Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That?

Youth at higher risk of involvement in the sex trade

All youth can be recruited or forced into the sextrade.

However some youth are more at risk.

Youth in foster care and youth with child welfare involvement

A 2007 research report out of New York State found a high correlation between child welfare involvement and subsequent commercial sexual exploitation. between 85 to 89% of youth reported to be commercially sexually exploited had prior child welfare involvement.1

Youth who are homeless,AWOL, runaway, in unstable housing  situations

Research results demonstrate a consistently high risk of involvement in survival sex or other forms of commercial sexual exploitation for youth without stable housing. the most recent federally funded national study found 70% of homeless youth are commercially sexually exploited.2

Out of school youth, unemployed youth, low or no income youth

While not documented specifically in research, youth in group discussions have reported a lack of money or survival needs (even when youth have a place to live), lack of access to jobs and lack of skills from dropping  out or being pushed out of school as direct links to their involvement or consideration of the sex trade to make money.

Youth with family involved in the sex trade and/or an active sex trade in their community

Youth in prevention workshops continue to identify being around an active sex trade in their community or family members involved in the sex trade as a risk factor. Youth stress that people in the community are more likely to encourage or recruit them and an active sex trade normalizes the option.

Youth with a history of sexual abuse

All research studies that ask youth who are or have been involved in the sex trade about previous sexual abuse prior to any commercial sexual exploitation find rates of up to over 90%. Research also suggests that sexual abuse is a factor independent of any resulting running away or substance abuse.3

Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer and Questioning Youth

Personally I disapprove of the word Queer…..by definition….abnormal or odd.  Traditional teachings tell me that all human beings are spiritually equal in creation and have a purpose in the grand scheme of life.  But the movement is because of the context in which it was reclaimed, queer has sociopolitical connotations, and is often preferred by those who are activists, by those who strongly reject traditional gender identities, by those who reject distinct sexual identities such as gay, lesbian, bisexual and straight, and by those who see themselves as oppressed by the heteronormativity of the larger culture. In this usage it retains the historical connotation of “outside the bounds of normal society” and can be construed as “breaking the rules for sex and gender.” It can be preferred because of its ambiguity, which allows “queer” identifying people to avoid the sometimes strict boundaries that surround other labels. In this context, “queer” is not a synonym for LGBT as it creates a space for “queer” heterosexuals as well as “non-queer” (“straight-acting”) homosexuals.4

LGBTQQ youth make up 20 to 40% of all homeless youth, resulting in high rates of survival sex.5

Additionally, a study in Canada found LGBT youth were three times more likely to trade sex for survival than heterosexual youth.5 Almost 60% of transgender youth reported exchanging sex for money in recent Chicago based research.

Youth of Color

African American minors are over-represented in prostitution arrests, comprising 55% of all arrests of juveniles for prostitution across the U.S. in 2002. Some of the evidence suggests this may have to do with unequal law enforcement strategies that target communities of color. However this may also reflect a higher involvement of African American, Latino, Asian,  and Native American or First Nations, that  experience higher rates of poverty and involvement in the child welfare system.

1. Gragg, F. et al.  (2007). New York Prevalence Study of Commercially Sexually Exploited Children. http://www.ocfs.state.ny.us/main/reports/CSEC-2007.pdf. Accessed April 8, 2009

2. Estes. R and Weiner N. (2001). The Commercial Sexual Exploitation of Children in the United States. Canada and Mexico. http://www.sp2.upenn.edu/-restes/csec Files/Complete CSEC 020220.pdf. Accesses April 8, 2009

3. Simons. R and Whitebeck, L. (1991) Sexual Abuse as a Precurser to prostitution and Victimization Among Adolescent and Adult Homeless Women. Journal of family Issues, 12(3).

4. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Queer

5. National Gay and Lesbian Task Force (2007). Lesbian,gay, bisexual and trangender youth: An epidemic of homelessness. http://www.thetaskforce.org/reports and research/homeless youth. Accessed April 8, 2009

6. (Gaetz, S. (2004). Safe streets for whom? Homeless youth, social exclusion, and criminal victimization. canadian Journal of Criminal Justice, 46(6).)

7.Howard Brown Health Center (2008). http://www.howardbrown.org/uploadFiles /HowardBrownResearchNews0408.pdf. Accessed April 8. 2009

8. Federal Bureau of Investigation. (2002). Crime in the United States. http://www.fbi.gov/ucr/cuis 02/html/web/arrested/04-table43.html. Accessed April 8, 2009

Claudine O”Leary    http://www.rethinkresources.net

A few personal thoughts by yours truly…

Signs of Sexual Assault

Physical Evidence

Difficulty Going To The Bathroom

Blood of Semen on the child’s diaper or clothing.

Unexplained lesions in genital and or anal area.

Presence of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)

Frequent vaginal infections

  • Behavioral changes
  • Failure to thrive
  • Extreme change in mood, grades, social interactions
  • Loss of appetite
  • Fear of being left alone with someone
  • Mental health deterioration, Suicidal tendencies
  • Age inappropriate knowledge of Sexual Behaviors
  • Sexualized behaviors
  • Poor body image and or self esteem
  • Self mutilation
  • Delinquency
  • At risk behaviors

The Mystery

Authored By Lundy Bancroft
Book Title: WHY DOES HE DO THAT?

LISTEN TO THE VOICES OF THESE WOMEN:
He’s two different people. I feel like I’m living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
He really doesn’t mean to hurt me. He loses control.
Everyone else think’s he’s great. I don’t know what it is about me that set’s him off.
He’s fine when he’s sober. But when he’s drunk, watch out.
I feel like he’s never happy with anything I do.
He’s scared me a few times, but never touches the children. He’s a great father.
He calls me disgusting names, and then an hour later he wants sex. I don’t get it.
He messes up my mind sometimes.
The thing is, he really understands me.
Why does he do that?
These are the words of women who are describing their anxiety and inner conflict about their relationships. Each of these women knows that something is wrong-very wrong-but she can’t put her finger on what it is. Every time she thinks she’s got her partner figured out, that she finally understands what is bothering him, something new happens, something changes. The pieces refuse to fit together.
Each of these women is trying to make sense out of the roller-coaster ride that her relationship has become.

Searcher “Do abusers love their victims?”

This is my response to the searcher who ask the above.
Abusers are MASTERS of deception,
“All deception in the course of life is indeed nothing else but a lie reduced to practice, and falsehood passing from words into things.”
Author: Robert Southey, manipulation, “For I have sworn thee fair, and thought thee bright, who art as black as hell, as dark as night.”
Author: William Shakespeare, and the only love they feel is for themselves and their property.
HOW CAN YOU LOVE THE THING YOU COVET AND AT THE SAME TIME BEGRUDGE THEIR HUMANITY?
What do I mean by humanity…..the gifts bestowed you by your creator….your gift of sight that views beauty in another human being or creation, the gift of touch that makes you spontaneously reach out to touch another human being, the gift of scent or the gift of sound. He/she is with out fault but you may have many, it is human to have fault is it not?

THE DEFINITION OF LOVE.
by Andrew Marvell

I.
MY Love is of a birth as rare
As ’tis, for object, strange and high ;
It was begotten by Despair,
Upon Impossibility.

II.
Magnanimous Despair alone
Could show me so divine a thing,
Where feeble hope could ne’er have flown,
But vainly flapped its tinsel wing.

III.
And yet I quickly might arrive
Where my extended soul is fixed ;
But Fate does iron wedges drive,
And always crowds itself betwixt.

IV.
For Fate with jealous eye does see
Two perfect loves, nor lets them close ;
Their union would her ruin be,
And her tyrannic power depose.

V.
And therefore her decrees of steel
Us as the distant poles have placed,
(Though Love’s whole world on us doth wheel),
Not by themselves to be embraced,

VI.
Unless the giddy heaven fall,
And earth some new convulsion tear.
And, us to join, the world should all
Be cramp’d into a planisphere.

VII.
As lines, so love’s oblique, may well
Themselves in every angle greet :
But ours, so truly parallel,
Though infinite, can never meet.

VIII.
Therefore the love which us doth bind,
But Fate so enviously debars,
Is the conjunction of the mind,
And opposition of the stars.

Source:
Marvell, Andrew. The Poems of Andrew Marvell.
G. A. Aitken, Ed. London: Lawrence & Bullen, 1892. 73-74.

PROPERTY HAS NO HUMAN VALUE!

This is an interesting quote it is uncanny that most abusers deny that they are abusive.
“It is twice the pleasure to deceive the deceiver.”
Author: Jean De La Fontaine

Medicine Men Who Are Sexual Offenders

Recently, I was reading a web forum where a question was presented from a Tribal Victim Advocacy Network. The question was “What do we do if a Medicine Men is sexually assaulting in ceremonies?”
I would like to respond to that in this forum.
If you are an advocate for victims of crime, the VICTIM comes first. If it is a recognized Medicine Man with in your Tribal Community, he must be prosecuted…..to the fullest extent of the law. He is not a Medicine Man he is a PREDATOR!
IT IS IMPORTANT THAT TRIBES RECOGNIZE AND ACKNOWLEDGE THIS.
Our ceremonies are to sacred to continue to allow these perverts the credit they do not deserve.

Trial Begins For Man Charged In Strangling

Milwaukee Journal Sentinel
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
By Marie Rohde
mrohde@journelsentinel.com

After Calvin Pirtle took his live-in girlfriend to work and dropped off her kids at school, he brought another women home, where they had sex before he killed her and hid the body in the basement, according to opening statements at his murder trial Tuesday.
But Pirtle’s attorney told a Milwaukee County jury Tuesday that his client was not guilty of the first degree intentional homicide charge he faces because he never intended to kill 21-year old Yasmine Tatum-Massey on September 17, 2008.
“It was not an intentional act,” said Scott Anderson. “It was a reckless act.”
In his opening statement, Assistant District Attorney mark Williams painted the jury a picture of a gruesome crime and it’s discovery.
When Pirtle’s girlfriend got home she found large pools of blood on the carpet.
Pirtle, 30, said it was his. She found a pair of women’s shoes and a curling iron, and he said they were gifts to her.
Her suspicions mushroomed when Pirtle told her to stay out of the basement, Williams said.
Later that evening , when police arrived at the house next door on unrelated matter, she asked them to come to her apartment….and see the blood. They left when Pirtle said it was his.
“That night she didn’t sleep,” Williams told the jury. “She wanted to go to the basement.”
Early the next morning she slipped out of bed and discovered the 21 year old victim’s body, in a garbage bag stuffed in a trash barrel…..When she heard Pirtle, she pretended to do laundry.
The girlfriend then called 911, Williams said. Pirtle caught her on the phone and when she insisted that he tell her what happened , he said:
“I was giving someone a tattoo and they didn’t want to pay me and I lost it.”
The victim died of strangulation but was badly beaten and stabbed twice, Williams said.